GLOBAL SHAPERS

My exciting journey started out with this single page. This was the application challenge I submitted in order to join Global Shapers.

Pickles

It's comforting to think that someone out there remembers you albeit passively. That when they listen to a certain song playing on the radio a beat in their mind would say, "He would like this song." Or in some other instance when they happen to pass by a shop window and saw a blue colored shirt, they instantly picture you wearing it on a nice warm day at the park. It's like a part of you is pickled in a jar placed on the cupboard of their thoughts be it your favorite color, the way you laugh, or how you smell.

Then you look at your own collection of big and small, simple and intricate, odd bits and pieces of people who touched you and think, hey, it isn't so lonely anymore.

Looking Back

It's funny why some people hate going to school so much when it's the best thing in the world. Lessons don't get handed freely in real life, and there aren't many people who would gladly teach you what they know. Some of them even keep from you what they know in order to have a certain leverage over you. Most probably you'll learn by making mistakes, and most of the time they do come with a price. 

Now I wish I had come to my classes on time, even though they were at 7am. I wish I'd really studied not just to pass, but really get something out of the subjects I've taken. I wish I had graduated with the confidence of knowing what general direction my life will be taking. I know it's not yet too late for me to change how things are, but those five years plus one semester in college should have been put to better use. 

A Song and A Quote

Yes, I'm embracing this quarter life crisis or whatever this unbelievably sucky period in my life is called. Nothing interests me anymore. It's like the world has become one dull movie I have to suffer 'til the very end.

I could feel like this for a very long time. Close to what J.D. Salinger wrote in Catcher in the Rye that "the man falling isn't permitted to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling."

But on the other hand, maybe this is just one of my sentimental episodes. I am convincing myself that something good will emerge from this, after all, shit does make the flowers grow.

Scenario

Here's a good thought. Why don't I go to your house and give you a surprise visit? I'll bring along a gift for your baby - a toy, a storybook, or a cute hat, I haven't decided yet.

I'll look at you and see how you've changed. Your face has gone round and your breasts have finally revealed themselves. Maybe, I'll find you more attractive that way. I don't know, I've only seen you in the photos. You'll have the baby in your arms, that toothless wonder you've been raving about in Facebook, and I'll marvel at his cuteness. I'll even say he's got your sharp nose that you're so proud about.

You'll let me hold the baby, because you know how much I like kids. You know this because back when your youngest brother was still a toddler, I used to play with him and carry him around your house when we go there after school. Oh how I loved playing with your little brother. Now, the little man's taller than you.

The baby's going to smell good, like  all babies do. I'll cuddle him and we'll play peek-a-boo. I really hope that he'll like me and won't cry when I hold him. I'll tire that baby out, I promise you.

Maybe when the baby takes a nap we'll talk about what happened to you. We'll talk about how suddenly you now have a baby. I will want to know every detail of it. How did he even fit inside you? How painful it must have been to bear him.

Maybe I'll find the courage to ask you why didn't you tell me you were going to have a baby. He was already born when I knew. I'll ask you once, but it would be fine by me if you don't want to answer. Actually, a part of me doesn't want to know.

We'll talk and talk like there's no tomorrow. We'll talk like we used to. We'll talk about our friends. We'll gossip and backbite and laugh our asses off. We'll talk about who we were as if the past still matters. Like it was yesterday and we are still living in it. Maybe we could just pretend.

I'll look at you as I always have. I could not understand why every time I'm with you I feel so lonely and vulnerable, but brave and invincible at the same time. I could not understand how sometimes I'm so much fond of you like you’re the only one that matters, and how sometimes I hate you like you're the worst person in the world.

I look at you and I see my failure, but I wouldn't let you feel it. We all have secrets to keep.

Varicella

.   . 

   ..      .      ..

 :.  . .   . .  ...     .    .

     .      ..   .      .

one of the hardest things to resist is an itch

Some Other Day

Today you will not create your best creation yet.
Today you will need to make money.
Today you will not write that special song for that special someone.
Today you will bury yourself  in textbooks.
Today you will not gaily gait at the park.
Today you will solve problems that aren't even yours.
Today has no room for monkey business.
Today is not some other day.
Today you will let the world rule over you.