Scenario

Here's a good thought. Why don't I go to your house and give you a surprise visit? I'll bring along a gift for your baby - a toy, a storybook, or a cute hat, I haven't decided yet.

I'll look at you and see how you've changed. Your face has gone round and your breasts have finally revealed themselves. Maybe, I'll find you more attractive that way. I don't know, I've only seen you in the photos. You'll have the baby in your arms, that toothless wonder you've been raving about in Facebook, and I'll marvel at his cuteness. I'll even say he's got your sharp nose that you're so proud about.

You'll let me hold the baby, because you know how much I like kids. You know this because back when your youngest brother was still a toddler, I used to play with him and carry him around your house when we go there after school. Oh how I loved playing with your little brother. Now, the little man's taller than you.

The baby's going to smell good, like  all babies do. I'll cuddle him and we'll play peek-a-boo. I really hope that he'll like me and won't cry when I hold him. I'll tire that baby out, I promise you.

Maybe when the baby takes a nap we'll talk about what happened to you. We'll talk about how suddenly you now have a baby. I will want to know every detail of it. How did he even fit inside you? How painful it must have been to bear him.

Maybe I'll find the courage to ask you why didn't you tell me you were going to have a baby. He was already born when I knew. I'll ask you once, but it would be fine by me if you don't want to answer. Actually, a part of me doesn't want to know.

We'll talk and talk like there's no tomorrow. We'll talk like we used to. We'll talk about our friends. We'll gossip and backbite and laugh our asses off. We'll talk about who we were as if the past still matters. Like it was yesterday and we are still living in it. Maybe we could just pretend.

I'll look at you as I always have. I could not understand why every time I'm with you I feel so lonely and vulnerable, but brave and invincible at the same time. I could not understand how sometimes I'm so much fond of you like you’re the only one that matters, and how sometimes I hate you like you're the worst person in the world.

I look at you and I see my failure, but I wouldn't let you feel it. We all have secrets to keep.