Here's a good
thought. Why don't I go to your house and give you a surprise visit? I'll bring
along a gift for your baby - a toy, a storybook, or a cute hat, I haven't
decided yet.
I'll look at you and
see how you've changed. Your face has gone round and your breasts have finally
revealed themselves. Maybe, I'll find you more attractive that way. I don't
know, I've only seen you in the photos. You'll have the baby in your arms, that
toothless wonder you've been raving about in Facebook, and I'll marvel at his
cuteness. I'll even say he's got your sharp nose that you're so proud about.
You'll let me hold
the baby, because you know how much I like kids. You know this because back
when your youngest brother was still a toddler, I used to play with him and
carry him around your house when we go there after school. Oh how I loved
playing with your little brother. Now, the little man's taller than you.
The baby's going to
smell good, like all babies do. I'll
cuddle him and we'll play peek-a-boo. I really hope that he'll like me and
won't cry when I hold him. I'll tire that baby out, I promise you.
Maybe when the baby
takes a nap we'll talk about what happened to you. We'll talk about how
suddenly you now have a baby. I will want to know every detail of it. How did
he even fit inside you? How painful it must have been to bear him.
Maybe I'll find the
courage to ask you why didn't you tell me you were going to have a baby. He was
already born when I knew. I'll ask you once, but it would be fine by me if you
don't want to answer. Actually, a part of me doesn't want to know.
We'll talk and talk
like there's no tomorrow. We'll talk like we used to. We'll talk about our
friends. We'll gossip and backbite and laugh our asses off. We'll talk about
who we were as if the past still matters. Like it was yesterday and we are
still living in it. Maybe we could just pretend.
I'll look at you as
I always have. I could not understand why every time I'm with you I feel so
lonely and vulnerable, but brave and invincible at the same time. I could not
understand how sometimes I'm so much fond of you like you’re the only one that
matters, and how sometimes I hate you like you're the worst person in the
world.
I look at you and I
see my failure, but I wouldn't let you feel it. We all have secrets to keep.