Scenario

Here's a good thought. Why don't I go to your house and give you a surprise visit? I'll bring along a gift for your baby - a toy, a storybook, or a cute hat, I haven't decided yet.

I'll look at you and see how you've changed. Your face has gone round and your breasts have finally revealed themselves. Maybe, I'll find you more attractive that way. I don't know, I've only seen you in the photos. You'll have the baby in your arms, that toothless wonder you've been raving about in Facebook, and I'll marvel at his cuteness. I'll even say he's got your sharp nose that you're so proud about.

You'll let me hold the baby, because you know how much I like kids. You know this because back when your youngest brother was still a toddler, I used to play with him and carry him around your house when we go there after school. Oh how I loved playing with your little brother. Now, the little man's taller than you.

The baby's going to smell good, like  all babies do. I'll cuddle him and we'll play peek-a-boo. I really hope that he'll like me and won't cry when I hold him. I'll tire that baby out, I promise you.

Maybe when the baby takes a nap we'll talk about what happened to you. We'll talk about how suddenly you now have a baby. I will want to know every detail of it. How did he even fit inside you? How painful it must have been to bear him.

Maybe I'll find the courage to ask you why didn't you tell me you were going to have a baby. He was already born when I knew. I'll ask you once, but it would be fine by me if you don't want to answer. Actually, a part of me doesn't want to know.

We'll talk and talk like there's no tomorrow. We'll talk like we used to. We'll talk about our friends. We'll gossip and backbite and laugh our asses off. We'll talk about who we were as if the past still matters. Like it was yesterday and we are still living in it. Maybe we could just pretend.

I'll look at you as I always have. I could not understand why every time I'm with you I feel so lonely and vulnerable, but brave and invincible at the same time. I could not understand how sometimes I'm so much fond of you like you’re the only one that matters, and how sometimes I hate you like you're the worst person in the world.

I look at you and I see my failure, but I wouldn't let you feel it. We all have secrets to keep.

Varicella

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one of the hardest things to resist is an itch

Some Other Day

Today you will not create your best creation yet.
Today you will need to make money.
Today you will not write that special song for that special someone.
Today you will bury yourself  in textbooks.
Today you will not gaily gait at the park.
Today you will solve problems that aren't even yours.
Today has no room for monkey business.
Today is not some other day.
Today you will let the world rule over you.

Time Out

There is no time out in life. As long as you breathe, you're still practically living. The heart pumps painstakingly through the course of the day no matter how awful that day is. And the mind is a restless vagabond, always up and about even in sleep. There is no escaping life. It is as constant as the sun's rising and setting. No time outs!

But I really need to shut down for a while.

Haiku in my room

oscillating fan:

labors through the humid day

with dust on its blades

***

lazy afternoon...

dirty clothes

lying on the floor

***

just roused from siesta;
staring at ceiling cobwebs
irritates my nose

Image from: http://img.ehowcdn.com/article-page-main/ehow/images/a08/c5/p4/repaint-ge-fan-800x800.jpg

Where are you?

You were who I considered whole, though you always thought slightly of yourself. You were brave and you fought for what you believed in, and I was as passive aggressive as ever. Our common ground was our adamant indecision at the face of our individual forks in the road. But you were fickle and constantly jumped into different things at once, while I, the coward, always settled. Yet I learned from looking at you that I was not as fearful as I thought. In fact, at special times, I was a stronger person than you. You confided in me many things that were fresh to my being. At first it felt like I was walking on the edge of a cliff, at the verge of falling into the unknown, but I learned that I need not share this treacherous paths of yours. All you really asked of me was to listen. And I did. But then, just like that, you were gone.

It is not your mere presence that I miss, but the impression of  your presence on me. I have bestowed in your person my strength and candidness, and they seemed to have vanished with you. That last night we talked, I knew I had found a friendship of a lifetime. 

Just so you know, I have not lost my faith in you. I am certain that right now you are out there saving the world. One day everything will be okay and you can come back.

The Laundry Line

I'll take you to a field with an infinite laundry line
Where the clothes can hang low
And tempt the grass with their soft caresses
Where the wind comes and goes
Passing idly and wanting
We'll hang our cares beside the sheets
We'll leave them up until they dry
And when they're clean, we'll stain them again
With our pensive thoughts and fleeting dreams
We'll let the sun burn our skin
Until they're the color of fresh earth
We'll smell the bleach-scented breeze
And pretend we're as clean as laundered clothes
We'll sleep through the passing afternoon
And wake up to a crepuscular sky
Then, one by one, we'll take down
The blankets, the shirts, and the underwear
We'll take a second to linger at their softness
Before we put them in a neat pile
And then we'll walk slowly for home
Smelling of the sun and the grass and the bleach

Image from http://www.someartfabric.com/art/KokkaCompany/JG-55200-201B.jpg